Winter Wonders
“In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.”
My lack of journaling for...well....in truth, an entire season...would lend credence to a presumption of hibernation, of stasis. It certainly would resonate with what the cultural concept of winter entails. Dark. Cold. Frozen and Still.
This winter was anything but that.
It was, in fact, a veritable crockpot of possibilities, opportunities, growth and exploration. Predicated by a remarkable, and yet nearly impossible to describe, 'click of awakening within,' following a weekend seminar with Candace Silvers here in NYC. The seminar itself was a few weeks before my last post. I sensed something indefinable had begun to stir within, following that weekend....but was still unsure/unclear how or what that was, or how/what to do with all the thoughts, questions, ineffable stirrings within. All I knew was that by the end of the two day seminar, something drove me to commit to a trip in April (coming up - three weeks, now!) that I had no way of knowing how/if I would be able to pay for it or what it was pushing me to 'leap over the wall' with no idea what might be on the other side. To risk as I had not risked in a long long time.
But. I will get to that.
Suffice to say, in the weeks previous to my last post, I felt shifts occurring within and was continuing to pursue both my theatrical as well as my survival gig possibilities. Interestingly enough - my theatrical pursuits were more successful than finding a 'regular job,' and I continued to enjoy 'doing the work' in classes, networking with directors, playwrights, actors, casting directors, and agents. Feeling myself taking small steps forward and finding my, by now, nearly daily meditation, helping me to both relieve stress and be open to simply letting every day unfold as it came. No expectations or pressures (save being prepared with whatever scenes and/or monologues needed for classes and auditions.) I was enjoying reading several new scripts in staged readings and as a reader for several different companies and producers and in playwriting classes.
A couple of weeks after my last post, my Florida roots became a saving grace, as I was fully aware of the potential crisis heading up the coast toward my new home: Hurricane Sandy looked to be a bitch, and she was headed right toward us. I was not wrong. It was to be a Halloween to remember.
The day BEFORE Sandy hit, I had already gathered my 'hurricane survival kit necessities.' I watched people stare and laugh at me as I lugged up the streets gallons of water, bought a sturdy lantern and batteries and sterno and canned goods. The owner of the hardware store downstairs had me give a little 'speech' to everyone in his store about what I was buying and why. Everyone laughed.
I live in midtown. We were very very blessed. Some brief loss of electricity and internet. But dry. And safe. And sound.
So very many others - up and down the northeast, but most devastatingly in Lower Manhattan, New Jersey, Staten Island, Brooklyn, Long Island - hundreds of thousands - lost their homes, their livelihoods, their lives. As horrible as the the scope of destruction was from the storm, I found it heart-lifting to see how the citizens of the area pulled together. I joined volunteers from all over - people came from all over the US and the world to physically help clear, repair, assist in storm recovery. There are STILL (in early spring 2013) recovery efforts going on, and as often as possible, I give of my time and energy to that effort. In the first week after the storm, I helped in lower Manhattan, delivering food and water to those older, sometimes disabled citizens, living - trapped - in the upper stories of buildings with no electricity or running water. Climbing pitch dark stairwells, sometimes with only one flashlight to see, up and back down twenty and more flights to reach people.
One of the many organizers bringing together people to help their fellow citizens, Yetta G. Kurland, (daughter of my friend, Toni) and supported by TWU - the Transportation Workers Union - led the group I worked with that day and is, further, running for City Council. The city and citizens of NYC could not do better - she is tireless and devoted to helping ALL the people.
It was eerie, to say the least...the line between those on the island of Manhattan who had power and whose lives had been virtually untouched, and those for whom the nights went completely dark - flares on the corners and NYPD everywhere to make sure people were able to cross streets safely after dark - the only lights from the fewer and fewer cars that chose to venture south of the upper 30s. Not to mention the entire sections and the subways - flooded out and shut down completely. When we weren't taking food and water up to the heights of the towers, we were offering it to those whose lives were already lived precariously on the streets. It brought into sharp relief for me the scope of my own blessings and shone a light into how I can be of better service in this life.
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On an entirely lighter and brighter note: the day before Sandy hit, also brought a change into my home: my cat, Mask and I welcomed a new little buddy into our home. Tuli had been a stray found in a parking lot in Brooklyn. He was just six months old and ready to find a family of his own. So our hurricane party became a fascinating period of 'forced family fun' as we were all getting to spend the storm getting to know each other. And, over the next few weeks, I began to see Mask's depression lift, as he and his new 'play pal' began to connect.
My spirit was rising as well...a new sense of purpose.
And with that re-energized, re-focused sense, I felt another "click." This particular click or shift, however was unsettling. I began to feel as if caught in a vortex...or quicksand. Or on a roller coaster - a battle was being waged within. I was unsure how to deal with it all. My dreams were becoming somewhat more lucid, disturbing enough to leave more than a whisper of memory, yet not concrete enough for me to make any connections.
All I knew was that there was a yearning inside of me, but, for...what? I wasn't certain.
Somewhere in the midst of of the frustrating, infuriating confusion, I somehow knew that the key I needed was to re-connect with people from Candace's Foundation NYC class I had experienced back in September. I had the name and address of one of the women I had met, (the incredible Lesley Demetriades) whom Candace had said could share the learnings. But being intrinsically shy, not liking to impose myself upon others, and not sure of what I even wanted to ask Lesley, I hesitated reaching out. Instead, I found myself sending out a question at the top of my meditations, into the ether. What could I do? How could I find the answers I sought?
By mid-November, those very questions were answered. Within a couple of days, I saw a posting on Candace's studio's Fb page from a young woman, Courtney, who had also been in the September class, who was rhapsodizing about how much her one on one meeting with Lesley had been so eye-opening. It was the opening of the door for me. It sparked my courage to reach out to Lesley myself - I already had her address, as she had responded to a thank you/update note I had sent to the organizers of Candace's class. She responded with grace and an open heart - and invited me, first to a private session with her - and which quickly evolved into a class including Courtney and each week, others began to join. It has become a weekly oasis, a place of focus and deepening of understanding and intent, filling the fountain of energy that simmers within. All this, AND acting work too.
A remarkable blessing in every way.
It is a place I cannot NOT be...and miss, when work or travel has kept me away.
And I have been blessed in this, as well - a great number of auditions have come my way in the months since.
Auditions, callbacks, some amazing classes and meeting such talented and focused colleagues, in all aspects of the business. I booked a small roles in a web series, began studying improv at Upright Citizens Brigade, began freelancing with a commercial agent (David McDermott - WONDERFUL , positive energy!) read roles in half a dozen different new readings with various producers/companies, continued taking classes and working on my on camera skills, and just finished shooting a lead role in one of Japan's longest running and most popular TV shows, World's Astonishing News! (Wonderful crew, fellow actors and great fun - a fascinating challenge - all direction translated via the Assistant Director and all scenes essentially played as defined improv (we will be dubbed over into Japanese for the actual episode!) I was also invited to become a member of ARTC - American Renaissance Theater Company - a wonderful and welcoming group of Equity actors and playwrights whose focus is upon developing new works and providing an outlet for artistic growth and potential future production. An exciting, hard-working group that I am just beginning to get to know.
In the middle of it all - and filling the more personal wells of my spirit - was Alyssmas! My daughter's 23rd birthday (being a true Christmas baby) was celebrated by my youngest sister and her family, my kids and I, up here, enjoying NYC! Capped by dinner in Central Park - it was a wonderful few days of sharing our new home with family!
After the New Year, my son and I flew to Florida, and from there - we had the mom-son bonding experience I had long looked forward to sharing with him as we drove his car out to Boulder, where he's a sophomore. Having had the same experience with my own father, 36 years earlier, and having kept that memory lodged so deeply in my heart...I wanted the same for him. It was a healing, wonderful week...sharing, opening, really talking, laughing and connecting as we hadn't in years.
We played tourist and explored roads that in my previous half dozen plus trips cross country, I had not yet driven. Chose to bypass the crowds of New Orleans and instead, drove hard and fast to make it to Cadillac Ranch by sunset - in return, we were gifted with a private, and magnificent evening view.
We even ventured into New Mexico - a never before visited state for me, and found my college roommate in the hills above Sante Fe, spending a night with she and her husband (she and I realized we had been exactly my son's age when we lived together at CU/Boulder) before finally pulling into town in the shadow of the beautiful Boulder Flatirons.
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So, here I am. Weeks into spring, now. (The groundhog was WRONG! Winter has yet to release it's hold entirely!) Deeply focused on giving back where and when I can, meditating regularly - often twice a day. Submitting for appropriate roles theatrically and for regular work anywhere, daily.
I find I am, for the most part, calmer.
I observe and recognize when I am operating from old habits and when, instead, my ability to remain present and open evolves further and I allow myself to simply 'be.' I have faced fears and watched as I stood for my own truth, spoke my heart and instead of crumbling in the face of perceived rejection - looked at the moment for what it was and was able to walk away, still whole and with heart open rather than shut.
Of course, I stumble. There are still moments of complete distress and confusion. I feel myself begin to fall into those old habits and patterns. But more and more frequently, now, I remember myself. I watch myself with a greater sense of detachment and ability to not personalize or condemn or judge - but to trust in the moment and to know that truly, 'everything is no thing,' and that It's All Right Here.
And so. A few weeks from now, another leap.
I will begin April by filming a music video (I get to dance - the song is called Late Bloomers, and the story of the song is all about how it is never too late to be who and what you want in your own life - what a perfect cap this is to this remarkable past few months!)
After a few more 'invited classes' and network events - I will be traveling to the other side of the world - to Bali - for a couple of weeks of meditation, yoga, healing and study with Candace, my teacher, Lesley, my NYC classmate, Courtney, and numerous other students from NYC and LA.
I thought I might be crazy when I had signed up for this so many months ago, with no idea of how I could possibly make it work. And yet, here I am, on the verge, and knowing that again, this was something that I could not NOT do.
I am a different person, in indefinable ways, from the woman who posted last October. And yet, still very much the same...simply...awakening, evolving.
Grateful for the moment, and for a future that I will not anticipate, but just remain open and ready to drink it all in.
Don't know where this will take me - externally or internally - but, if you'll be joining me, get ready for a wild ride!
